First of all, if you are close to me and care for me, don’t read this and become worried about me. I promise I’m okay, as someone once told me, “this too shall pass.” But, even knowing that this too shall pass, I’m going to be honest.
Secondly, this post is rather raw for me. Proceed with those thoughts in mind.
Lately I’ve been feeling rather lonely. When I say lonely though, it’s not about a lack of meaningful relationships. I have those. It’s not due to a lack of care or support by those around me. I have all that. This is a different kind of alone.
As I’ve thought about it, there is one huge piece to these feelings:
I’m 25 years old and single. Not just single as in not married but dating or have a potential suitor. But I am 25 and as single as someone can get. I have no prospects on the horizon. Zip, zilch, zero. To be completely honest with you, it’s hard. I know, as everyone will say, that the “right person will come along in God’s timing.” And that I just have to “trust Him.”
I believe that. I know to the core of who I am that I’m single so that I can be all that God has called me to be. Why? Because God knows not only what I want but also what I need. And God knows that I have needed and probably still need to learn to stand in Him alone.
But that doesn’t make it easier because the reality is that even with that knowledge, I am still single. I’m 25 and single and more often than not I’m asked “where my husband is,” “why are you still married,” and my favorite “wow, but you’re so pretty.” I know that these are all well intentioned, but in the end, I am still single.
I never realized how hard being single and being in ministry is. I never before in my life understood just how hard it is to be a woman. Now don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful people who are surrounding me, who are challenging me and encouraging me and championing me to be all that God has called me to be. But for once in my life I’m realizing there is a struggle I’ve never known to being me. And with every question in ministry or where my husband is or why I’m not married there is this sense of being very alone. Because at the end of the day, most people I interact with go home to their parents or their spouse, where as I don’t (shout out to having an awesome roommate though!). At the end of the day, often without intention, it leaves you feeling quite alone.
So with all those feelings of alone-ness, I came across this passage in my daily bible reading:
Jesus went to and stayed in the “lonely places” and it was when the people went to the “lonely places” that they found Jesus and He minister to them.
The lonely places.
That pretty much sums up some of my emotions lately: the lonely places. When I’m in lonely places, I feel alone. But the reality is that it is in those moments when we feel the most alone that Jesus is right there because He dwells in the Lonely Places. We don’t have to become un-lonely to find Him because He’s there, with us in the loneliness. We just have to seek to join Him there so He can minister to and through us.
So that’s where I’m at. In my loneliness, in my lonely places, I’m seeking Him knowing that He is here with me and is ministering to me. To be honest, it doesn’t make it easier, but it gives me His truth to hold onto; that even though I may feel alone, He is here with me in my loneliness.