I’m not who I thought I was…

A phrase has been on repeat in my head the last few days: “I thought I was someone different.”  For many this may seen like a negative thought, but for me it was really a statement of awe.  You see, I have always thought of myself in very concrete terms:

Detail Oriented
Type A

And on and on the list went.  I had always labeled myself and thought that this was all I could be, all I was.  Well, when you label yourself in such a way, you are in fact also saying that you are NOT certain things:

Easy Going

Just as there are many more labels I had placed upon myself, there are also many more that I in turn crossed out.  Well, God has been challenging this type of thinking.  He is challenging who I see myself as and what I disallow myself to do/be in my life.

For years I have prayed that God would not make my path narrow but instead wide.  That I would not be confined to one thing or another but that instead I would have a wide berth of things to reach and experience.  A wide berth of people to encounter and thus love.  I have asked the Lord to make me MORE – more like Him – not less.  I don’t want to shrink until people don’t recognize me but instead I want to be MORE of who He sees me as.

Well slowly, He has been, bit by bit and step by step, until right now and today.  Now, today, I have a choice to make:

Will I allow God to define me or will I keep labeling myself?

True humility, as my pastor has shared with me, is not seeing oneself as less but instead seeing oneself the way God does, no more and no less.

Will I choose humility?  Will I choose God’s view of me over my own?  Will I allow Him to define me and then allow Him to use me?

Where once I saw myself as only a detail person, now I find I also have vision.

Where once I saw myself as pure admin, Now I find I am a creator and artist.

Where once I saw myself as too much, I find I am too much, not enough and just right all at once.

You see, I am not who I thought I was.  I am not confined to just be one thing, with God I can be so much more:

Fearful and Fearless
Leader and Follower
More and Less
Love and Justice
Grace and Discipline

It brings to mind a poem I wrote earlier this year:

The Tightrope

Standing on the ledge,
Feet upon the line,
I pause.

Arms out, feet ready,
and I freeze.

I look out ahead,
empty space and unforgiving height.
It’s either all in or no go,
there is no in between.

No belt, no harness,
Just me, my feet and the line.

Oh, what a tight rope we walk, 
swaying one moment right and the next left.
One foot must follow the other on this narrow path.

To one side truth, the other love
One side faith, the other knowledge
One side rules and process, the other Spirit

One and on, two sides of the rope,
seemingly opposite but both oh so needed.

Veer all one way or veer all the other
and it is all over.
But learn to balance as foot follows foot
and you cross the tight rope of life.

Eyes up, balance,
following the feet of those who have gone before.
Deep breath, foot off the ledge, and begin.

I choose God’s definition of me instead of my own labels.

What about yourself?  Do you find yourself labeling yourself and thus saying you be or do XYZ?

Ask God to define you and be amazed at how different you really are.


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