I am a wreck. Tears are shed daily. Sobs escape. Words hit harder than ever before.
In the last few months I have cried more than I ever thought possible. More than I cried when I moved to CA. More than I cried when my heart was broken. More than I cried when people I loved died.
I’ve cried as dreams died, positions were removed. I’ve cried as Jesus asked me to walk away. How do you just walk away? How do you say I love you and still choose to leave? With tears falling, heart dropping but following the Presence.
Daily my life is being deconstructed. Job. Position. Security. Relationships. Location. Understanding. One by one, brick by brick my world is being taken a part.
Don’t get me wrong though, it isn’t that my life is FALLING a part, oh no this destruction is much more intentional. Brick by brick and layer by layer my world is being TAKEN a part.
Somehow, though, I am reveling in the wreckage. Exhausted and broken but strangely alive.
As the bricks fall away I see a new sight. Something that had always been there, waiting to be exposed. Through the past seasons it had needed to be kept safe, protected from the elements of life. There had been internal things that needed to be built. Rooms to be finished, decorating to take place. But now, it was time,
And just as brick by brick falls away a beautiful sight rises from the dust. A new thing, similar but different.
My heart had always been about people. A desire to love them, to pour into them. But somewhere a long the way I missed it, I missed what Jesus really wanted to do. In my pastor’s head I thought we could create programs, recruit volunteers and reach people. And yes, that works… sometimes. But as I worked harder and harder with less and less impact I was frustrated. “Jesus, how much harder can I work for your name? What else can I do? What other programs can we create that people will be drawn to.”
I missed it.
I missed that Jesus was about relationship not programs. My heart kept trying to tell me but my head was too thick.
I missed that each person is unique… their skills, their passions, their desires and their needs. Programs force them to fit into a round hole when they are square or rectangular or star shaped. Each person is unique… both volunteer and the person we want to reach. Each person desires to be real, to be who they were created to be…
This is how I have been wrecked. Wrecked to see the beauty of the individual. Wrecked to see that when we try to force programs on people they feel as though they fail because they can’t make their star shaped self fit into our round hole.
I’m wrecked to see that Jesus has a different way. Jesus created individuals to reach individuals. Jesus is stirring hearts in their skills and abilities and passions to reach out, to connect, to relate with those who need Hope and Love and Peace desperately.
I’m wrecked because I see the beauty of His masterpiece. Those who know Him and those who don’t.
I’m wrecked. He’s not done deconstructing and reconstructing but He’s there in the process. His purpose and His passions pours forth. I must be willing to fall upon my knees daily, submit to the process and take hold of the new that He is establishing. I must be willing to give up my hammer, trying to force people to fit into programs. And instead partner with the Creator in showcasing His masterpieces just as they are.