I’ve posted before that I kind of have a problem. This problem is that for as long as I can remember I’ve suffered from something that I have called Boy – Itis. It’s an untreatable disease that some people laughingly call being “Boy Crazy.” For those who suffer from this as I do, please refer to this previous post that will hopefully help.
Well…. as most of my posts happen to come from some random thought, so does today. I was thinking about how there is a guy that I know, that I care deeply about, who seems to have a crush on me. And although this guy is wonderful, I don’t feel the same way. Isn’t that the worst! I mean why can’t it be like, you are wonderful and I am wonderful and bam we are together. In my life it always seems to be one sided…either I like them or they like me. Well anyways…. as I was thinking about this today I was struck by an experience I had almost 2 years ago.
Now I’m the girl that often was told by boys that they were not interested. Most of the guys that I have ever liked in my life have found me repulsive. This might have been because I was the girl chasing the boys around the playground and writing them love songs on Valentine’s Day. True stories… both of them. Either way, I have always been romantic and had a lot of love to give.
In 1st grade I convinced my posse of girls to serenade the boy that I liked after choir with the Beattles hit, “She loves you.” Poor guy. We followed him around singing, “She loves you, yea yea yea…” for who knows how long. This same boy had to put up with me watching him during recess and waving vigorously at him. Today he lives back in my home town, is happily married and they are expecting their second kid. Thankfully my antics didn’t scare him away from girls forever!
I could regal you for hours with stories of the ridiculous and humorous things I have done in the name of love. But sadly, most of these things ended up with rejection… and almost never in the nicest of ways.
Not that I was always the kindest in rejection either, although I tried to have a little more tact than was shown to me. I remember vividly a boy asking me out my Junior year and I gave him a common bible college answer, “I just don’t think that this is the right time for a relationship for me.” A month later…it might have been less… I had a boyfriend. Woops. Probably wasn’t the kindest thing, but I promise it came from the right heart… I just didn’t know how to tactfully tell the kid that he was nice but I was not interested. You know, thanks but no thanks!?
Then I went to college and awkward story after awkward love story continued. Until we enter into my Junior year. Man my junior years in high school and college were lucky times. My junior year I had two boyfriends. My Marine boyfriend… which was my favorite relationship I’ve ever had… I’ll blog about that at another time and then my most serious relationship I’ve ever had. The latter relationship blew up was redeemed and then blew up again mid way through my senior year.
Enter new crush. Because when you suffer from boyitis you can’t go all that long without at least a crush. Well this crush was on the youth pastor at the church that I attended. He was tall, cute and single. It was great. He was awesome and I learned a ton from him as a youth pastor. Honestly to this day there are multiple wise things that he shared with me that impact my walk with the Lord. Well I knew him for probably around 9 months when I graduated from college and was preparing to move to the complete opposite corner of the United States and I took a chance. I asked him to coffee and told him that I had a crush on him.
I laid it all on the table and held nothing back. And in return he told me that he didn’t have the same feelings back. But as he handed back my heart he told me how honored he was that I would be interested. You know, thanks but no thanks. It was the craziest conversation that I had ever had because he was telling me how awesome I was but without being interested in me beyond friends. I was worth while but that I wasn’t what he was looking for. I was wonderful and amazing. I loved the Lord and was gifted in ministry. But I wasn’t that someone that he was looking for. And it was alright. Rejection had never come so sweetly before. I would never in a million years take back that afternoon because it taught me two things. 1)It taught me that taking a chance is important. If I had not been bold enough to talk about it, I would have been left wondering “what if.” And 2) Not being interested doesn’t mean something is wrong with the other person. It just means that they are not what you are looking for, plain and simple.
And so, as I sit here knowing that there is a chance that there is someone interested that I don’t feel the same way, I pray that when the day comes that we have that conversation that my words would speak life into him. That he would leave the conversation not saddened by the “rejection” but enlightened to his worth. I pray that just as the words spoken to me spoke that I was worth more than settling that my words would speak that into him. For I have found that I am not willing to settle with something that I am not looking for. And I have seen how worth while the wait can be.
Just because He’s not that into you… doesn’t mean that you aren’t worth while. Maybe it is for that very fact that he isn’t into you. Take heart. Look into yourself and discover how worthwhile you really are. And then, don’t settle.