I haven’t always been beautiful.
I’m serious. I’ve always had the potential to be beautiful but I went through a rather long time of just being awkward. Need proof?
Seriously. Do you see those glasses. Yikes!
This plagued me for most of my childhood but seemed to culminate in high school. For my first two years of high school I wore jeans, a t-shirt and my hair in a pony tail. I seemed to have no sense of fashion and I was most definitely a nerd. It wasn’t that I didn’t care what I looked like, although that is what I would have told you, but instead it was that I cared so much. I didn’t feel pretty at all and I didn’t know how to do anything about it. So I hid behind baggy jeans and t-shirts. I wore my hair the same way every day and I pretended like I didn’t care.
I weighed more than I would have liked but I just joked that I was in shape, round was a shape wasn’t it? But every time I looked in the mirror it pained me. I never looked how I wanted to look and because of my sensitivity my mind added pounds to what was in the mirror. By my junior and senior year of high school I began to care about how I looked. I got contacts and starting to wear make up, not that these things made me pretty but I realized that instead of hiding I could accentuate the beauty that was hidden somewhere inside. But my senior year of high school I weighed the most that I have ever weighed, 20 pounds more than I even weigh today. And I was lost. I didn’t feel beautiful. I didn’t see beauty inside of me.
That was five years ago and God has brought me on a journey into beauty. I had to find out who I was before I could see the beauty of me. If I didn’t know who I was I was never going to see myself as beautiful. And day by day, year by year and season by season as God has healed, renewed and redeemed me I have found out who I am. The me that was inside but that I on my own could never find. And I am beautiful.
One of my teens told me that they looked through my facebooks photos from the past five years and her comment to me was, “Well, you are pretty now…” There are two ways that I can take that. That I was ugly then and that I am pretty now. Or the me that she sees today is the me that was hiding when I didn’t know who I was. I choose the second. God has allowed me to see with redeemed eyes the beauty that was always there, it was just hiding. And now when I come to the mirror I am not disgusted. I am not discouraged or defeated. I am amazed at the God who redeems me, the one who created me and takes joy in me. I see beauty not because of physical appearance but because I know that He is purifying my heart. My prayer is that no matter the outside of me, that my heart would always be beautiful and that when I look in the mirror it would be this that I see.