It’s been a while since I’ve posted for a couple of different reason. 1. I have no internet where I’m living. I’ll explain that in a little bit. 2. I haven’t had a ton of extra time because I have taken on some extra things. This too I’ll explain. And then 3. I haven’t been able to sort out exactly what has been going on nor have I had the words to explain. There are so many moments when all I can think is “God, I’m not really sure what is going on and what I’m supposed to be doing!” Which is extremely terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. But again… I’ll explain that in a little bit. Well…. I couldn’t have been more vague if I tried, so I’ll explain and begin to share what the Lord has been showing and sharing with me. :)
So a couple of weeks ago I moved. I now live at the old Mount Saint Mary’s College in Hooksett, New Hampshire. It is beautiful. The first day that I saw it… which was the day I moved in… I was floored. My first thought was, “I live in a castle, does this mean I’m a princess now?!?”
This is a post card from when Mt. St. Mary’s was still a college not condos :)
Yep. That is how it looks. Well anyways… I live there with 2 wonderful women of God who I met when I moved to New Hampshire. This past week we got a fridge which is awesome but we are still working on the whole couch thing. It’s a work in progress. :) I am blown away by the way that the Lord has provided both financially and with placing me with other 20 something women who love and are walking out obeying and serving the Lord. They understand what my life is about. And by watching the Jesus in them I am continually challenged to live my life so that the Jesus in me may shine forth. A couple of nights after I moved in I was sitting on my bed reading before bed and from the other room I could hear one of my roommates singing worship songs and praying to the Lord. All I could think was that the Lord had brought me to a place where the presence of the Lord is dwelling with others my own age. CRAZY!! But… currently we don’t have internet so that put a damper on my posting ;)
Okay point 2… I don’t have a ton of extra time. Hmmmm I wonder why that is… let’s see. Oh yea! I’m the youth pastor at my church!! Eeekk! I actually think it’s kinda funny how it happened because it kind of fell into my lap. You also need to know that when I was in college I said that I would never be a youth pastor. Why? Because I had seen some pretty bad transitions and I had seen youth pastors who wanted to be a senior pastor and who, it felt, didn’t care about the youth but only carried about climbing the ladder. And I didn’t and still don’t feel as though the only thing I will do in ministry is be a youth pastor. Now I don’t mean to say that being a youth pastor is under me but instead I feel as though there are other things that I am called to beside just youth ministry. And yet, I absolutely love all of my teens and I know that right now this is exactly what I am called to. I blessed by the opportunity and the position that I have been given. My youth are a joy and they are continually challenging me to seek Jesus. I have nothing to offer them if I don’t have Jesus so I must continually seek Him for more and for what He has for them. And every week when I have no idea what is going to happen He shows up. I love it.
But it also challenges me. Big time.
My recent challenge that the Lord has given me speaks to my biggest fear. Now you have to understand something (when do you not, right?) I love speaking in front of people, it energizes me but I am terrified of singing in front of ANYONE. And along with being fearful of singing in front of people I also am fearful of playing ANY musical instrument in front of people. Why?? Because I feel as though I’m not good enough and being a reformed perfectionist it is hard for me to do anything that I can’t give what I believe should be my best. Yea. I know. Jesus is working on all that. So last week in worship at church I was praying about worship at youth group. As of currently we don’t do worship, we have talked about doing worship from youtube or from a cd but there is just something inside of me that feels as though we have something better to offer them. So I was praying about it, expressing this desire to the Lord and He stopped me. And said, (seriously I’m not joking this is what He said), “That’s nice Kaitlin. You own a guitar. You lead worship.” That was it. He had spoken and I was terrified. I still am terrified. I have struggled about singing in front of people and playing the guitar… my insecurity has gotten so bad that I don’t practice because that means I have to play infront of people. Dumb, I know. It’s to the point where I have digressed so far that I am hardly able to play simple chords. But last week I picked up my guitar and for 30 minutes before youth group I practiced. Small Victory! It still seems as though I will never be able to play a song let alone lead my teens in worship but I am going to obey, no matter how hard it is.
In the midst of all that it struck me how easy it is to obey when God asks us to do something that we enjoy doing or when it is something that doesn’t mean that must, but true obedience is required when it requires us to do hard things and challenges us the most in our giftings, fears, desires. and yet, we still move forward in saying yes to Jesus.
And finally… point 3. Jesus and I are on this crazy adventure. One where I never know what is next and even as we are rounding the corner and coming up on the next piece I am never quite certain of what I will find. The last few weeks I have found myself muttering to myself and Jesus, “I have no idea what is going on.” Because I really don’t. I met a guy and it’s complicated and I have no idea what is going on. I became the youth pastor and I had always said I wouldn’t be a youth pastor and I love it and I have no idea what is going on. I am an intern and I said yes to a year and my mom told me she knows God is doing great things and I’m not sure what is going on. This is my whole life. And to an administrator who likes to have everything in order and under control that can be a challenging thing. But here’s the thing. Jesus does it better. The life that I am enjoying right now, both with the challenges and the joys, is better than what I could have or would have asked for. Jesus does my life better than I would if I were in control. And I mean this in every area of my life: in my love life… I don’t want anything other than God’s best for me because His is better. In ministry… I don’t want what my idea of my calling is because well… His is better. With my job…. seriously…. I am doing things that I NEVER would have pictured myself doing and I am loving it because… His is better. So for a control freak, who likes to have everything in order, planned out and known about… I am learning to enjoy the joy of not knowing what is going on BECAUSE Jesus has my life and… JESUS DOES MY LIFE BETTER!
So you see. My life has changed a bit in the last few weeks. And as I have tried to sort out and understand myself in spite of all that Jesus has been doing I have learned:
True obedience is seen when saying yes in the face of your biggest fear…
Jesus does things better!