Yesterday was amazing. And it fit into a week in which I was able to appreciate where I am at, what God has done and is doing and where I wasn’t crushed by the fear and oppression of the “what now”s. This was incredibly refreshing considering how I have felt the last few weeks.
For those of you who truly know me, it will probably come as no surprise to realize that last week I realized I had been holding onto some undealt with anger. Well… it was more I hadn’t dealt with my grief from a situation and it caused me to become increasingly more angry until I, in a sense, EXPLODED. I couldn’t stop being angry and this surprised me.
So I stopped for a moment and it all flooded into me.
Fear, anxiety, hurt and anger.
Anger at myself, others and even some at God.
I sat on my couch, under a blanket crying as emotion after emotion surfaced. Not a simple wave of passive emotion but emotions with a ferocity that I was surprised to experienced. I thought I had dealt with it. I thought I was moving on.
But the truth was, none of that was true.
I was in a holding pattern. Holding onto my hurt. Holding onto my fear. Holding onto my anxiety. Holding onto my anger.
So I lay on my couch, with the lights dim, curled in a ball under a blanket and I allowed God to minister to me. I began to verbally express what I had been shoving deeper. I named my emotions. Fear. Hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Shame. Anxiety. Anger.
and then I gave them up.
Note that I didn’t say I gave up…. instead I gave THEM up.
I told God that I no longer wanted them. I could no longer live with them weighing on my shoulders. I wasn’t who I wanted to be. and although I didn’t know how to let them go, I knew that He could take them.
It was almost reminiscent of my salvation experience. At that point I told God that if He was real that He had to take everything I was feeling, hurt, pain, brokeness, unworthiness, etc., and that in exchange I was His. I told Him that anything He asked I would do. I can’t just give Him my emotions and my life once but I must give it back to Him on a continual basis, not allowing myself to think that I CAN DO IT alone.
and He did. As He held me in His arms, wiped the tears from my face and rocked me to sleep, He took the weight from my shoulders.
The next day I took what I call a mental health day. I slept in. I got ready. I took the afternoon off. And then I went to the park. I sat in the dirt, under a tree, in the sun. I took out my journal and bible. I read and wrote in my journal. Then I closed my eyes and listened. I listened to God in the birds chirping, the kids playing and the wind blowing.
I sat in His presence and felt His unending love and strength.
So this past week has been in light of that revelation and freedom: God is enough to take my burden and pain away. I still must process and walk through it. There are still awkward moments and painful memories. There are still missing moments and broken dreams. But He is enough to walk me through them. He is enough to show me that there is more than those things.
And this past week there has been an even greater remembrance of what God has done as well as an appreciation for what I have right now: my school, my job, my church and both the relationships and opportunities that are encompassed by each of those things.
Yesterday two great things happened.
The first is that I got to preach in my preaching practicum class and I was reminded about one of my first loves: sharing God’s voice and word with others. I was able to share with my class about Ezekiel 37, when God brings life to the dry bones. (I love the truth that this passage still has to our lives today as He is the source of life who wants to make our dry bones live again!)
The second was that last night we had Grad Celebration… and event for seniors graduating in May to both celebrate where they are at as well as find out important information about graduation and after graduation. My office has been planning this event for months and it was so wonderful both to see our planning come to life, see the end product and be a senior who was able to feel honored in the process.
And so this is where I am. Still processing through the events of my life; past, present and future. But presently understanding that even through that process I can be content because…
He is sufficient. He is… My savior. My healer. My baptizer in power. My soon and coming King. My Counselor. My Lord. My Beloved. He is My own. And I am thankful that in my last semester at LIFE, He is reminding me of why I came, who I am and giving me a HOPE that will prevail.
How has God shown up in your life lately?
How are you/do you deal with losses and points of grief in your life? Are you allowing yourself to process through or are you shoving it deep inside?
I challenge you: take a “you” day or a you moment to spend some intimate time with the Lord and know that He wants to refresh and renew you wherever you are at!