I started this post 3 months ago. Crazy! But at the time, it wasn’t the right time to post it. I wasn’t done figuring things out. I only had a small inkling to what was going on. Well… I think it’s time…. so…. here we go!
Thinking. It’s kind of a dangerous thing for me to do lately because I dwell. I get stuck on one topic and think it to death. I get wrapped up in one thing and cause myself to go crazy thinking about the “what ifs” and the “who knows.” Sometimes, though, my overthinking is not all my fault. Sometimes, it is the fault of those around me that I overthink because of topics that are continually brought up or the same questions that are being brought up. Lately it has been the latter, the same questions have been coming up and it has caused me to think and possibly over think. Sometimes the questions asked by others cause questions of my own but they all have to do with four simple words: what do I want…?
What do I want to do when I graduate?
What do I want in the future?
What do I want to happen in my relationships?
What do I want in a guy?
When I think about those questions I feel ill equiped to answer, I feel stuck on myself when I think on these questions but the more that the questions have been asked the more I’ve realized that I need to know what I want to understand what God is doing in my life, to understand who I am more and to start moving forward and allow God to move in my life.
The most pressing of these questions seems to be what do I want to do when I graduate and the simple answer is, I’m not sure. But for some reason no one likes that answer and so that leads me to the complex…
When I graduate… I might want to continue working in an office… as long as it is involved with ministry. I would like to have the opportunity to mentor teenage and college girls. I want to love on people, grow in relationships and continue to learn. I want to have a job where I am constantly challenged, never 100% sure of what I am doing because I am constantly learning and growing. I’m not completely sure what any of that would look like or where it would be. I’m constantly in a struggle within myself whether I want to go closer to home or further away; I have a desire to go on and experience life in other cities than I have never known, a desire to be my own person to have my own life. At the same time I have a desire to move closer to family, closer to my parents, my sisters, brother in law and closer to my soon to be niece. When I graduate I want to get a job where I am immersed in people, pouring out my life and love to them but… everything else is still up in the air.
There is so much more that is whirling around in my head. So many more answers and questions that I want to ask, that others ask and that thankfully God is beginning to clarify. I know that many of these questions aren’t meant to be answered now and won’t be answered now but… I do know that as I continue to move forward that what isn’t important is the actual question or the actual answer but instead what is important is my heart and my stance as I question, seek and allow God to transform, renew and uncover what it is that He is up to.
And sometimes… it is in figuring out what I want that God begins to reveals.