At the beginning of the summer, when it seemed as though my dreams were drifting away, as my
heart felt broken and I was at a loss for what to do, God’s only answer for me was to wait. I had no idea what that meant, only that contrary to my wishes, there would be no answer at that time. I was to wait.
Well I have been waiting and I continue to wait. For what or who? I still don’t know but I do know that as I have waited God has begun to pull back the curtain. He has brought me to a place where we have looked forward, backwards and sideways at my life and my purpose. He has shown me fullness, love, joy, peace, purpose and life. In my waiting, I became still and it was then that He was able to show me….
I saw the child that I once was; lost and alone. I saw the me inside struggling against the me dictated by the world. I saw the years go by, the growth continue inside and out until there was no holding back. I saw a child on the verge of adolescent SURRENDER to the One who heals and loves. I saw the potential behind all the pain. The ultimate surrender and a choice to “lose control” to Him.
I saw the aches and pains of growing up. The trials and testaments that allow for a story to be built. Stupid moves and honest voices echoed from my past. And yet, the potential that was once hidden behind pain was shining brighter as the pain became duller. Another moment, another decision. To surrender all or keep control? Surrender was again chosen.
I saw the last few years come into view. The girl who started out from home, slightly wacky and a little more than insane. Immature and still extremely broken. Surrendered and yet unaware of all that it meant to surrender. I see the struggle, I remember the pain of laying it down each and every day. I remember the victories, the times on my knees begging to understand the chaos when God showed up in full and awesome force. I remember the stumbilings, the draw to want more with others than God was telling me to have. The tears of choosing Him over them as I choose between obedience and despair.
The last year is in sight. From where I was to where I am is still a million miles apart. Young and careless, learning yet again how to trust and just to jump. How to not allow fear to rule my life. Stretching, growing and pushing myself past myself into life fuller. Experiencing experiences new and bold. Meeting people and growing deeper. Learning the truth about love and experiencing the loss of self. Learning that just because you love someone doesn’t make it right. Seeing that what makes perfect sense doesn’t always end up being right.
Sometimes falling in love doesn’t end up with a broken heart, even when you don’t end up together when you learn from previous mistakes that it shouldn’t be you holding your heart and giving it away. Instead the One who created you should be holding your heart. He is the most careful and gentle heart holder you will find and it allows you to step away from fear and jump into love. The scary part is that if it doesn’t work out… it still hurts. But you will get back up… brush yourself off and know that He has your heart and loves you so much more.
Looking sideways, up and down I am able to see where I am right now. Content and Happy. Full. Loved. Whole. Not constantly looking inward and nursing my wounds but outward to pour into others. Stretching and growing. Laying down all of it to trust that He knows what is going on. And assured that there is more to come.
Looking forward and knowing that I have the rest of my life. Not knowing how long or short that might be but… knowing all the same it is there. Dreaming large dreams and loving largely. Thinking of tomorrow… house, dog, husband and child… while living in today… apartment, work, school and friends. Joyful over what has come about in my life and what is yet to happen.
In light of it all, the past that I have come through, my current stroll in life and what is yet on my horizon, there is favor. Favor from the One who loves me, the One who choses me, the One who goes above and beyond to provide perfectly.
I have given up…for the time being…asking Him questions. Instead I choose to wait. I wait in expectancy for the future that He has promised. I wait in expectancy for what is yet to come. I wait in expectancy but not with idle feet, I wait in expectancy actively moving forward in the favor He has given me. I wait in His rest, in His peace, in His joy and in His purpose. I wait in expectancy about the future that He has held for me.
Expectantly waiting in active pursuit of the One who created me and loves me.
Take a moment and wait with God. What is He wanting to speak and show you when you are willing to be still? How are you actively and expectantly waiting upon the Creator of the Universe?