In the new Alice and Wonderland, Alice has fallen down the hole and everyone keeps asking her if she is “the” Alice. She doesn’t know all she knows is that she is Alice which causes much debate whether she is the right Alice. She meets the Mad Hatter who believes she is “the” Alice but there is something missing; “You used to be much more…. muchier. You’ve lost your muchness” (Mad Hatter).
How sad, I have always thought, to loose ones muchness. This line always strikes me as being both sad and important but I didn’t grasp what it fully meant to loose your muchness until quite recently. What does it mean to loose your muchness? Loosing your muchness means to become a shadow of who you really are, to loose important aspects of who you are. To stop being “the” —- who is the “right” you.
I realized something starteling the other day… I had lost my muchness.
In the process of going after what I heard God telling me was for me, something that I wanted, I ended up getting so consumed in not loosing it that I lost my muchness.
I am an extremely oppinionated person, I ususally know what I want to do, what I want and who I want to be so I am able to go after it. Sometimes this can be/cause slighly problems but it is who I am. But somehow I stopped. I stopped being all of who I was because I thought maybe I was “too much” and people would whisper to me to be careful and not show all of my cards all at once. I started to question myself, I was uncertain of what I wanted to do, get or be, I was nervous to speak about my dreams and desires to others. I became a shadow of who I was and people began to question if I was the right me, if I was “the” me.
And then I lost what it was that I had been trying so hard to hold onto. But was it really me who was holding onto it? Do I know if that is why I lost it? No. But I do know that it would never have been right if I wasn’t the right me, if I continued to live without my muchness, a shadow of the real me.
And so I am on a journey to find my muchness. A journey to remember who I am. Who is it that I am in God, for He created me in all my fullness and muchness. What is it that I want with my life no matter who is with me and to figure out what exactly it is that God is doing in and through my life. I am slowly but surely gaining my muchness. I started a blog, I am writing letters to people important to me, I am reading again, I am staying focused on graduating, I am loving my work and working hard, I am living. I am relying upon God to renew me, I am holding onto His promises and taking His answers as they are. I am becoming more me and there is so much more. Slowly the parts of me that had turned into shadow are gaining color and are coming alive.
God knows exactly who we are in all our muchness even when we are just a shadow of ourselves.
I am gaining back my muchness to become “the” me who was much more muchier!