Maybe it wasn’t all for me…

10 06 2011

I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about current happenings in my life.  Mainly… my boyfriend and I broke up.  Lame, I know to write a blog about breaking up with your boyfriend. Cliche. Over used.  I know!  But there is more here than it seems because lately I have had this reoccurring thought…

Maybe it wasn’t all for me…

I should probably explain that the it I’m referring to isn’t the relationship but more the whole event, the whole experience, the dating and the break up.  Maybe it wasn’t all for me or even all about me.  Maybe it was instead for and about them.  Them being the people around me who get so much more from me because of what I have experienced.  Them being the people that I have had the opportunity to meet and grow in relationship with because of this.  Them being the people that I’m willing to engage with because I’m willing to put it all on the line even when it could hurt. So…

Maybe it wasn’t all for me…

I find it too coincidental that since the loss of my relationship that I have encountered and talked to multiple people, well girls, who have been dumped by their boyfriends.  Before this experience I would have been at a loss for words because I would have no idea what they were talking about.  The questions they have about moving on, the desire to move on and yet the desire for things to work out, the confusion over why this happened, who they are and were and what was to come.  Before I wouldn’t have understood.  Before I had only dated once in high school and once in college, the first lasted two weeks and the second I ended.  I really had no clue what a relationship even really looked like.  I had never up to this point been in a relationship where I had been willing to take a risk and put my heart on the line.  I got it.  I understood the pain, the confusion and the hurt.  I understood, I was able to be at their level, talk to them with truth and walk through what we were all experiencing.  I understood and so….

Maybe it wasn’t all for me…

The only place that I have found answers have been in spending time with God.  Don’t get me wrong though, they aren’t the answers to the questions that everyone seems to have or even the questions that I have been asking.  But they are answers.  They are WAIT.   They are COME to me.  They are EXPERIENCE life.  They are LOVE freely.  I still have questions though… Why did it all happened?  Should I move completely on?  What does it mean to wait?  Who/what am I waiting for?  Should I have any hope?  What is going to happen?  Who am I really?  I still have all of these questions but reaccuringly as I voice these questions to God and He answers with His own answers.  As He answers He brings to mind what He has already done for me, He brings to mind the circumstances He has brought me through, the relationships that He has brought into my life and the blessings that are a daily part of my life.  But He also clues me into the answer, the answer that seems to be a reaccurring theme lately….

Maybe it wasn’t all for me….

God saving me in my brokenness, His blessing in my life and even what I am currently dealing with in my life… it wasn’t all for me but instead it was so that I could be a vessel.  So that God’s love could be more complete and more understanding to those who I have, am and will encounter.  So even though it all was for me, that I may know Him more.  Even though God loved me specifically, individually and thus saved me, He doesn’t just love me and He didn’t just save me for me, but instead for those whom I have, am and will meet who need to know Him.  Maybe… just maybe it wasn’t all for me… Maybe there is more to what is going on than I could ever imagine.

And that is what keeps me going.  Maybe it wasn’t all for me.

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One response

10 06 2011
Lori Gonzalez

Well put Kaitlin:)

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